How to Work With Someone You Hate - The Muse

How to Work With Someone You Hate - The MuseHow to Work With Someone You Hate There she is again. That fake smile. That annoying laugh. Everyone else seems to think shes the second coming of Sheryl Sandberg, but she grates on your nerves like a fork dragging down a dry chalkboard. You cant put your finger on why, exactly, but your gut is telling you, Dont trust her.If you could, you would just avoid this parteicular colleague completely. The problem is, you have to work with her every day. Its bad enough to dislike someone that you have to see five (or more) days a week. Its even worse when it feels like nobody else is particularly bothered by him or her. Its just you. As a psychologist and life coach, I hear a lot of frustrated diatribes about that one person at the office who feels like a prickling thorn, wrecking your workplace zen. Heres my take on how to deal with a co-worker who you (ugh) just cannot stand.Remember That Its Okay to Not Like SomeoneGasp Really? Yes. A lot of peo ple feel intensely guilty for not liking or thinking negative thoughts about a certain person. But actually, its perfectly okay to dislike someones personality. Its no different than not liking a particular shirt in a clothing store, a particular fragrance, or a particular item on a menu. You are menschenfreundlich, and all human beings are wired with individual likes and dislikes. Its okay for you to have certain preferences, just like your super annoying colleague has his or her own preferences, too.Remember That a Feeling and Acting on a Feeling are Two Very Different ThingsPrivately not liking sohonigweinhing or someone and thinking to yourself, Nope, no thanks is not a problem. The problem arises if you act on your feelings in an outward, hurtful way. Like tossing red paint on the shirt that you absolutely cant stand in the store, for example. Or treating a co-worker rudely and inappropriately. Part of having your emotional act together is being able to feel a certain way witho ut needing to act on that feeling.Remember That Gossiping Only Hurts One Persons Reputation YoursIt can feel so tempting to chitchat around the proverbial water cooler about how awful that certain co-worker is. Many people try to use snarky gossip as a way to bond with their co-workers, earning their laughter and what they think is their respect. But engaging in that kind of behavior only makes you seem like an insensitive bully. If you truly want to bond, ask people about their current obsessions (the healthy kind), their passions, the music they love, their secret dreams and projects- or stick with a simple get-to-know-you question, like, Whats been the best part of your morning so far? Build a reputation as the most positive, inspiring person at the office- not the snarkiest.Remember That When Someone Pushes Your Buttons, Theres a Reason for ItIf someone profoundly bugs you, in a cant-get-over-it kind of way, the emotions youre feeling are not coming out of nowhere. Its likely th at this person reminds you of someone else who hurt you in the past. Maybe the co-worker who drives you nuts constantly interrupts you when youre speaking- just like your mom used to do (and still does). Or maybe your colleague acts a certain way in one-on-one meetings with you, but then puts on a completely different face and demeanor for group meetings when the boss is watching. And this reminds you of your perfect older sister who always won everyones affection and praise, even though she was so mean to you when the two of you were alone together.If someone at work irritates you, and the feeling of frustration is very intense and lasts more than 15 seconds, thats a good sign that something from your past is being triggered. That something is often (though not always) connected to a situation from childhood. Do some soul searching or free writing to see if you can connect the dots, understand yourself a bit better, and ultimately, forgive whoever hurt you in the past, so you dont have to carry around the burden of resentment any longer.Remember That You Can Express Yourself Honestly- Without Being UnprofessionalIf your co-worker is doing something specific that upsets you, you can- and should- have a civil conversation about it. Ideally, it should happen sooner rather than later, before it blows up into something irreconcilable. Be specific, reasonable, and matter-of-fact with your request. If your co-worker is continually breaking promises or missing deadlines, for example, say, Hey, I know youre probably swamped with emails. I am, too. But when you say that youll email me your portion of the project by 4 PM, and you dont follow through, it makes it tough for me to work efficiently and move projects forward on schedule. In the future, if youre sensing that you wont be able to send something on time, Id appreciate a quick heads up. Thanks.It truly is possible to talk about an issue without resorting to an accusatory tone, rudeness, or other unprofessional be havior. Model the kind of respectful communication and workplace conduct that youd like to see. Rather than moaning, snarking, or gossiping, be a beacon of excellence- and that will inspire everyone around you to rise up, too.Remember That Everyone Just Wants to Be LovedD.H. Lawrence once wrote, In every living thing there is the desire for love. Thats the truth. Everyone- you, your boss, your favorite co-worker, and your least favorite co-worker- are all human beings who want to love and be loved, in one way or another.We all try to get love in different ways (some of us, in not so healthy ways). Your co-workers irritating need to constantly take credit for everything and be the center of attention might be born from a place of deep personal insecurity. In other words, her love tank might be running low and garnering external praise and attention is the only way she knows how to fill it. In every situation, try to remain compassionate and remember that, ultimately, were all just tr ying to get our emotional needs met in the best way we know how.Go forth. Do the best work that you can. Its okay to not like someone- and its okay if someone doesnt like you. It doesnt make either of you bad or wrong. Just different people with different preferences and different skills and attributes to offer the world. Nothing more- and certainly nothing less. Photo of annoying co-worker courtesy of Shutterstock.